Last Night

4/29/12

This morning a cheese expert was about to explain why the pitch of a roof at cheese factories determines how holey the swiss cheese becomes... and then woke up.

4/30/12

Last night on the phone, I made a deal with a man to have 40 photocopies made for something I needed for a school project. The price he quoted seemed high, but I drove about 40 miles, mostly down gravel roads to have him do it. The business was in an old barn that was about to fall down. The owner was wearing goggles and a rubber apron. His wife had me sign transaction papers. The price was $860.  The owner showed me some of his work. They looked horrible, like carbon copies. He could tell I didn't like them and said, "That's high quality paper." …and then I woke up.

5/1/12

Last night I was whisked away, taken to somewhere in eastern Europe by orders signed by the President. Arriving there a man with a Slavic accent said, "You need haircut. Car will come take you to barber." I wasn't born yesterday. I knew what this "barber" was going to do to me. I had to think of something quick. I will admit it I was scared… but then I woke up.

5/2/12

Last night I was working in a ditch and a transformer fell from a utility pole and landed on me… and then I woke up.

5/2/12

Last night I was in Meijers and shoplifted a pair of boots. As leaving the store a security guard sidled up beside me and called me by my name. Nonchalantly I dropped the boots and continued walking. He began reading my rap sheet, murder, assault, but did not mention me shoplighting. I asked if he knew of anything illegal I'd done in the store, if not… and then I woke up.

5/3/12

Last night I was in the front row at the start of the Crim. I began running hard as I could. I was running with two of the best area master runners Dave Wolbert and John Niven… then I woke up.

5/4/12

Last night I was about 40 years old and pitching for the Detroit Tigers… then I woke up.

5/7/12

Last night I was driving down the interstate and in the median there was a gorilla on a light pole. I pulled off and began taking photos. He came down the pole walked to where my car was. I was scared but more concerned he might get hit by passing cars. When he got to my car he was no longer a gorilla but a bear. He growled and wanted to get in the car with me… and then I woke up.

5/9/12

Last night I drank a glass of water that was a cocktail of waters from EPA's seven most polluted areas. I thought I could prove all water was drinkable and that EPA didn't know what they're talking about. Afterward I realized how stupid I was but it was too late. I began feeling a little funny... and then I woke up…and had a sore throat.

5/17/12

Last night Nazi Gestapo was swarming the neighborhood. My neighborhood resistance group was up all night doing counterintelligence. Dawn came and three of us were seen. Sirens went off. We took off running in different directions. I ran around a corner of a house and was smashed in the head with the butt end of a Mauser... and then I woke up.

6/21/12

Last night I was walking to my vehicle at work. Mind you I've been retired 8 years. I had go to the bathroom real bad and I did not make it. Yup, I totally wet my pants. All of a sudden I realized I was dreaming, and the bed was wet. My wife felt the wetness, woke up and began harping at me as if saying, "bad, bad, dog." But, then I REALLY woke up, felt the bed. It was dry. I was just dreaming that I was dreaming. But, what I want everyone to remember is, I did not wet the bed last night.

10/5/12

Last night I was working with authorities in a sting to apprehend a ring of bad guys kidnapping children and forcing them into child slavery and Wilfred Brimley was one of them. I got him and these cruel people to follow me, then at the right moment Chuck Norris jumped out of hiding, kicked the you know what out of them. They were hauled away in handcuffs... and then I woke up.

11/2/12

Last night I got on an elevator, which had four people in it. The door closed, when I looked around to my shock there stood President Barack Obama. He smiled at me so I then tried to shake his hand. He went all Howie Mandel on me so I had to make a fist. So we bumped fists… and then I woke up.

11/20/12

Last night I was invited to a party by some airline pilots. It was quite the fancy shindig at an impressive estate, but when needing to go to drop a deuce I had to use an outhouse. Not a deluxe modern port-a-john but an old-fashion wooden outhouse, so small I had to squeeze into it. It was way beyond need of being emptied. Poop was oozing out everywhere and looked like cooked squash. The pilot's wife, a very good looking woman I might add, spoke to me from outside and said, "Oh, I'm sorry for not emptying that beforehand let me turn on shaker and it will lower the overflow." She hit a garbage disposal-like switch and next thing I know my bottom side was covered with you know what… and then I woke up.

4/10/13

Last night I turned on the tv just in time to see Dave Rozema complete a no hitter… then I woke up.

2/13/14

I think I won the Detroit Free Press Marathon. I was leading at about 18 miles and feeling strong. Then I woke up. How do I find out if I won?

3/20/14

Last night my niece’s husband Todd shot and killed my nephew Rex. It came about because of an arrainged marriage many years ago between Rex and some girl. Because he never followed through with the arrangment a contract was put out on him for he shamed the girl. Many years past and the contract was still out there. Todd must have found it to hard to turn down. Then I woke up.   

6/4/14

Last night I found out from Tom Ryan that we had to pay double for some repair services. The deal was made with the Simons Co. Tom had made the work deal with Mr. Simon but his sons were doubling the price after work was done. I told Tom I wasn’t paying but half the amount he agreed upon and would have a chat with the Simon Bros. I found the business on a huge farm. Only seconds after I arriving, after seeing many men around the farm with guns, I figured out I was on the property of some wacky right wing militant group. I only got a few words out of my mouth before being taken to into the farmhouse and thrown down into the cellar. I was held captive for hours. I had a cell phone and tried calling 911. As soon as I dialed a loud ping was heard upstairs. Two men came down from upstairs and beat me, when done they left but didn’t take my cell phone. I saw sheet of clear plastic covering a small opening in the wall. I was able to squeeze beneath it. I tried using the cell phone again on that side of the wall. There I was able to call 911 without being detected. “Hello, what’s your emergency?” I told them I didn’t know where I was, but was being held captive by some militant group. I told them to use the coordinates from gps and send a S.W.A.T. team. “Sure,” the said. Hours later I gave up on them ever rescuing me. I had had enough and finally I woke up.

7/1/14

Last night I was in Frankenmuth and they were suddenly blitzed by explosions. Bronners and Zehnders were flattened. Heard on a radio we were in a state of war with somebody but they they wouldn't say who. But why was Frankemuth being attacked? Jets screamed by launching heat sinking missiles. Friends and I leaped into a tour bus. Just as I was thinking it if it were hit we'd go up in flames I woke up. Never so glad to be in my house in the midst of a thunder storm.

9/8/14

Last night I ran in the Boston Marathon and it was fantastic.

9/9/14

Last night I was checked into a hospital and spent my first night ever in a hospital bed. I left my pants on, unsure how long I’d stay. Then I woke up. I was in my own bed. I’d just dreamt I’d spent my first night in a hospital bed.

12/13/14

Last night at a YMCA, a doctor told me he could fix my heart. He put me in a Lazyboy, placed a cover over me and began cutting. I didn’t hurt. Before finishing he said he was hungry and left me in the chair. Soon perturbed I got out of the chair with cover and went looking for him. I found him lying down, and drunker than a skunk. Men were shaking him and tying to get him to stand. The men told me, go back to the chair and they’d get another doctor to put my heart back together. I did. Soon, the men led another doctor to me in the Lazyboy. They said he was Dr. McLaughlin. I recognized him as an 82 year old friend of mine and I knew he wasn’t a real doctor. I told the other men I wasn’t going to let him touch me, and “get the drunk doctor in here NOW!” Then I woke up. I somehow survived. 

4/11/15

Last night  I went to pick up my $1000+ Martin guitar, that I’d left it at guy’s house on the eastside of Flint twelve days earlier. A “guitar repairman” is what I heard he was. He was to do some work on it, some refretting and crack mending. When I returned last night, and saw it, I was horrified. He’d cut it all up. The body was two-inches wide, where before it was six-inches. The head, with tuning pegs, was not mine. He’d replaced it with some crappy looking one. The entire guitar had like an inch thick of shellac over it, and looked tacky as hell. He smiled as I looked at it, as if to say “pretty cool huh?” I wanted to kill the S.O.B. but then I woke up. 

5/25/15

Last night I was walking and decided to run, so I did. It felt so great. Painless as ever. Like running in a dream. Then after about 200 yards it hit me, I'd recently had heart surgery and was not suppose to run for another month. I was upset, and then I woke up.

6/9/16

Last night I was runyaking at Torch Lake. I’d finished running and grabbed my mug of coffee where I’d stashed it and was making my way to the kayak. Up in the sky I saw a few USAF jets and they looked like they were attacking each other. Then I saw a chopper with a Hummer dangling from it. The chopper dropped the Hummer and driver near me and then flew away. The driver, who was in uniform, looked familiar. It was one of the Englehart twins, Dennis or Dave, who graduated three years behind me in high school. I spoke and said, “Wow, that was really cool how you landed here.” Instead of just saying thanks he wanted me to engage in some fancy fist bump, which I screwed up not knowing military fist bump protocol. I was a little embarrassed. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was going to paddle north on Torch Lake to where my van was. He said, “You want the helicopter to take you there?” Of course I said yes but asked, “is that even allowed?” Engelhart said, “I’m a colonel, I can make that happen. Next thing I knew, Swiftee, my kayak, and I were dangling beneath a helicopter high above Torch Lake. It was the most exhilarating feelings I’d ever had. Maybe too exhilarating, for that’s exactly when I woke up.  

7/8/16

Last night I was atop of a roof of a very large house. I was all alone when I began sliding down the steep roof. When I reached the bottom edge and began to fall I thought, “this is it, it’s all over for me.” But at the last second I grabbed the eavestrough. Holding on for dear life the only thing that crossed my mind was not ever seeing the grandkids again. I then saw a chimney, that wasn’t there before and just a few feet away. I began swinging and was able to get a foot where the chimney and roof met. I pulled myself up and sat next to the chimney. Anon, grandkids were down below and they had a ladder…. and then I woke up.

8/31/16

Last night after hearing about the avalanche disaster in China, that killed 100,000 and trapped as many, some friends and family volunteered to go help in the relief. (I didn't want to go, felt more like I was drafted). At the airport we were given clothing worthy of blizzard conditions. On our way to China we realized the clothing was way too small, so small even a child would not have been able to put them on. We knew without proper arctic-like clothing we were as doomed as those who already were trapped under the snow. Dread set in, but then I woke up. Wow, was I relieved.

10/12/16

Last night I opened my guitar case and it was smashed to smithereens… but the fretboard, neck, headstock and tuning pegs were still good. No Pete Townsend wasn’t visiting, but the grandkids had been. It had to be replaced… and then I woke up, and went and played my musical treasure.

 11/14/16

Last night was the Supermoon, a moment when the full moon is the closest to Earth, 221,526 miles. I went out and looked at it… and it looked like any other time I’d seen it. But, a few hours later I looked again. What I saw the second time was quite amazing. Revolving the moon, pole to pole, was a smaller crescent moon. It was amazing, then I woke up. I was just dreaming.

 

8/13/17

Last night I was at work in Hi-Lo Repair. I was lying on a creeper. I looked up and saw Farm Boy moving a suspended fork truck with a hoist.  It swung over me and then fell. The entire weight of the truck was on me. I felt life draining from my body. In a matter of seconds I was dead….. but seconds later… I could still think, and I was aware of my breathing. So I was still conscious. I then knew I wasn’t really dead. It wasn’t until then woke up. So glad to still be alive.